


Just a Joke

by memeingfultrash



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, I don't know what else to tag this as, Langst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Lance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, could get ooc?, i just love making him hurt, poor lance, this is angsty, this is projecting tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-02-23 11:09:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13188810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memeingfultrash/pseuds/memeingfultrash
Summary: “I think I’m going to kill myself,” he announced.“I know that finals are a stressful time, but that doesn’t mean you should joke about something like that,” Shiro scolded mildly. Lance’s chest tightened and he forced a smile."Yeah, you're right. Poor joke."~sad sad lance. possible trigger warning for an attempt and some bad thoughts





	1. .chapter one.

**Author's Note:**

> warning - this chapter contains a suicide attempt and negative thoughts

What's the point? 

There is none. 

~ 

He didn't know how he was going to do it. He couldn't do it today.  

Today was not, was never, his day.  

Lance stared dejectedly at his ceiling while his alarm blared. It was time for school, and he couldn't move.  

Today was one of those days, those days where he woke up with a weight on his chest and an ache in his bones and a SadnessEmptinessHopelessnessColdness weighing down on his mind and it _wasn't going away._  

There were days where Lance could handle it, slap a smile on his face and walk out the front door to confront the world and convince his friends that he was okay (he really should consider a career in acting, because _damn,_ was he not okay). There were days when he felt genuine happiness, no matter how fleeting. But today wasn't one of those days. 

He sighed, turning onto his side and shutting his eyes, ignoring the alarm. He didn't want to, couldn't move.  

"Mijo! Are you getting up?" 

Lance felt himself tear up and he turned his head a little to shout back, "No, mama! I don't feel very well." 

Lance's mother opened the door to his room, shutting the alarm off and sitting on the edge of his bed. She brushed his hair away from his face and he felt his chest tighten, the need to cry getting stronger. 

"Mm, and Gabe did just get over the flu," she murmured. "I'll be at work until five, but if you need anything before then, just call me." 

"I will, mama," he whispered. She smiled before pressing a kiss to his forehead and getting up, shutting his door softly before yelling to his siblings in a mix of Spanish and English. Lance muffled a sob and curled in on himself. 

Not today. 

~ 

Annoying.  

The word bounced around every surface of Lance's skull, echoing indefinitely. 

 _"Shut up, Lance, you're so annoying."_  

Pidge didn't mean anything by it. In fact, she'd said it many times before. He'd been called annoying and every synonym of the word a million times. Lance _was_ annoying. He knew it. Sometimes he tried a little too hard to be happy and upbeat, and it was just too much. But Lance couldn't stop himself from acting that way; he was worried that someone might catch on and ask him if he was okay, and how was he supposed to answer that? 

Still. It cut a little deep, sometimes.  

But he didn't show it. All he did was ruffle her hair and continue cracking jokes.  

~ 

“I want to die.” 

The sentence slipped out in the midst of studying for an anatomy test. Lance’s body went cold at his accidental confession, but all he heard was echoes of agreement throughout the room.  

“Same, this test is going to KILL me.” Hunk didn’t have a very high grade in anatomy to begin with; his forte was mechanics.  

“I don’t understand anything!” Keith groaned. Surprisingly, Keith didn’t get a very good grade, either. He was actually best at physics.  

“It’s really not that bad.” 

Of course Pidge didn’t think it was that bad. She was a genius at everything.  

“Come on guys, more studying and less complaining,” Shiro scolded, flipping through channels with a fond smile on his face.  

Lance was both relieved and sad that no one caught on to the meaning of his words. Relieved, because it saved him an explanation he was sure no one wanted to hear, and sad, because he excelled at anatomy, everyone knew that, yet no one picked up on the fact that he wasn’t referring to the upcoming test.  

He bowed his head and got back to work.  

~ 

Lance put his pencil down, lifting his head to stare straight ahead.  

“I think I’m going to kill myself,” he announced. It was two months after his accidental confession, and he was doing a good job of pretending it never happened, but things were getting to be too much. He needed someone, badly.  

There were sighs throughout the room and everyone looked up at him. No one seemed to notice the emptiness in his eyes, or the way his fingers trembled.  

“Come on, Lance, the finals won’t be that bad.” 

“Yeah, what Pidge said,” Hunk answered. “You’ll be fine if you study.” 

“I know that finals are a stressful time, but that doesn’t mean you should joke about something like that,” Shiro scolded mildly. Lance’s chest tightened and he forced a smile.  

“Yeah, you’re right. Poor joke.” 

The only one who didn’t say anything was Keith. And if Lance hadn’t been so lost in his own self-deprecating thoughts, he would have noticed the looks of concern directed at him.  

~ 

He was done.  

Lance couldn’t handle this anymore, couldn’t handle the feeling of being so SadHopelessGuiltyEmpty to the point of physical pain anymore. He couldn’t handle looking his mother in the eye and telling her that he loved her knowing he wasn’t happy, couldn’t handle the talks with his father about colleges he knew he was never going to get into, couldn’t handle breaking the ice and telling jokes in front of his friends when the only thing breaking was himself.  

He was done.  

And he knew what he had to do.  

He stayed home from school that day. It was a Friday, which meant his absence at school wouldn’t be too strange – lots of seniors tended to find any and every reason to skip Fridays, anyway. He kissed his mom before she left for work, hugged his dad, teased his siblings, told them all he loved them.  

It wasn’t long before the house was empty. It made him ache.  

Even in the face of death, he was going to be alone.  

But this is what he wanted. He didn’t want to cause anyone anymore pain than necessary. Plus, he knew everyone would get over it soon enough. It’s not like he was something worth missing.  

He sat down at his desk, staring at the empty notebook paper in front of himself. He couldn’t bring himself to pick up the pen. He didn’t know what to say. How did he tell his mama that he hated himself so much it drove him to suicide? How did he tell her that her first born, her baby, wanted to die so badly he did it himself? 

He let out a sob and curled in on himself. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t.  

He had to.  

He cried a little longer before straightening himself out. He didn’t know what to write, didn’t know how to justify his actions to her. So, when he picked up his pen, he only wrote five words.  

 _It was nothing you did._  

He took a shaky breath before standing and walking out into the hallway. He made his way into his parents room, where he knew they kept the gun. It was a .380 handgun, kept for self defense. Lance knew how to use it; when they’d lived in the country, Lance’s father used to take them hunting or to target practice. Lance was the best shot of his family.  

The memory made him smile but it was quickly wiped from his face. He guessed he’d be putting those skills to use, today.  

He took another deep breath, hand holding the gun shaking as he walked back to his room. He moved slowly, both anticipating and dreading the end.  

Would it hurt? 

 _Not as much as you do now._  

Would his family miss him? 

 _Not for long._  

What about his friends? 

 _You’re easy to forget._  

He stood in the middle of his room, facing the window, back to the door. If he was going to die, he wanted to do it with the sun shining being the last thing he saw.  

He opened his mouth and raised the barrel with a shaky hand. He took another shaky breath and clenched his eyes shut.  

 _Pull the trigger._  

He let out a sob, pulling the gun out of his mouth and letting his arm drop. Tears fell out of his eyes as sobs wracked his body.  

 _Do it._  

He let out a cry of frustration between gritted teeth as he raised the gun to his temple. He was breathing hard and he willed his hand to steady.  

“ _Lance!”_  


	2. .chapter two.

“ _Lance!”_

His arm was pulled behind his back and he was pushed against the wall. Someone squeezed his wrist hard until it loosened its grip on the gun, causing it to fall to the floor. As it was kicked away, Lance started screaming. 

“What are you doing? Let me do it, I was just going to do it!”

He was hugged tightly from behind and he felt them shaking(or maybe it was him). His knees buckled and he bent forward, one hand clutching his chest while the other gripped onto the hands joined tightly over his stomach. 

“Let me go, Keith, let me do it!”

Keith shook his head, hugging Lance tighter and letting tears of his own fall as he pressed his face between Lance’s shoulder blades. He’d never heard Lance in so much pain, and he’d give anything to stop it. 

“Lance, why? Why would you do this, why didn’t you tell us, tell me?”

“I tried!” Lance sobbed. “You thought I was joking, it was just a joke!”

A new wave of tears fell from Keith’s eyes as he recalled the events in his and Shiro’s living room. 

_“I think I’m going to kill myself.”_

He felt his stomach turn. Why hadn’t anyone listened to Lance? 

“Lance,” Keith said, his voice choked and pained. “I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know it was this bad. When you didn’t show up to school, I just felt so uneasy and I came over. I’m so sorry, Lance, I should have listened to you.”

“Leave!” Lance yelled. His voice was going hoarse from crying so hard. “Leave me alone! Let me die!”

“No!” Keith cried. He moved them back until their legs hit Lance’s bed before falling onto it, pulling Lance with him. “No.”

Lance struggled against him before going limp in Keith’s arms, curling in on himself and crying. Keith wrapped his arms around Lance and cuddled in close, caging him in with his legs. 

“It’s going to be okay, Lance,” Keith kept whispering, pressing kisses to Lance’s shoulder blade and letting tears fall down his face. “I’m going to help you, we’re going to get you help, everything is going to be okay.”

Even when Lance fell asleep from exhaustion, Keith didn’t let go. 

~

When Lance awoke, it was to the sound of crying. 

Keith’s hands were gripping tight to the front of Lance’s shirt, body trembling slightly. Lance could tell that he was trying to be quiet, not wanting to wake up Lance. 

He turned in Keith’s arms fast enough to see the raven’s eyes widen before he pulled the other down into an embrace. 

“It’s okay,” Lance murmured. Keith pushed him back. 

“Don’t,” Keith answered, voice quavering. “Don’t try to act like my feelings are more important than yours. Don’t comfort me when it should be you being comforted. Don’t, Lance.”

Lance looked down, not meeting Keith’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry.”

Keith tilted his face up and pressed their foreheads together, fingers weaving tightly into the hair at he back of Lance’s head. 

“Don’t be,” Keith whispered fiercely. “I’m sorry for not noticing sooner. I’m sorry I let you get to this point. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could trust me enough to talk to me about this. I’m so sorry, Lance.”

Lance was too tired for full out crying, but not for a few tears. 

“I’m sorry you had to walk in on that,” he whispered. Keith unlaced one hand from Lance’s hair to wipe away his tears. 

“I’m glad I did,” he answered. “I’m glad I stopped you.”

It was quiet for a long moment. Keith drew in a shaky breath. 

“Are you going to do it again?” he asked quietly. 

“I don’t know.”

Keith’s free hand drifted down until it grabbed Lance’s waist and pulled him in close, trembling against his side. 

“I’m going to tell your mom.”

“Please don’t.”

“I can’t lose you, Lance,” Keith said, voice shaking. “I won’t lose you.”

“I won’t do it again.”

“You’re lying.”

Lance let out a breath. 

“Please don’t tell my mom I tried to kill myself,” he started. “Tell her I talk about it, and you’re worried I might.”

Keith was…surprised, to say the least. He didn’t think Lance would give at all, thought the Cuban boy didn’t want his family to know at all. 

Lance mistook Keith’s silence for disagreement. “It would break her if she knew I tried to kill myself without telling her I needed help. I know I need help, I’ve wanted it for months, but I don’t want her to know that I didn’t ask for it. And I don't know how to ask for it."

“Okay,” Keith whispered. He closed his eyes, keeping his forehead against Lance’s. “Okay.”

Keith felt Lance relax a little. “Okay.”

It was quiet again for a long moment before Keith spoke. 

“I’m going to tell the others.”

Lance let out a long breath before he nodded against Keith. “I know.”

"The sooner, the better."

"Does it have to be now?"

Keith shook his head. "No. Not now," he whispered, beginning to rub circles into Lance's lower back. "Right now, I want you to rest."

"And when I wake up?"

"We're going to call Shiro and tell him that we're all having a sleepover at our house, because there are some things to talk about."

"And when I wake up tomorrow?"

Keith let out a breath. "When you wake up tomorrow, I'm going to bring you back here and tell your mom you need help."

"Are you going to leave me?"

"No."

"You're not?"

"Not ever. I'm going to help you, Lance. I never want you to feel like this again, but – god forbid – you ever do, I want to be here to help you."

Lance seemed satisfied with what Keith said and closed his eyes, letting out a long breath that hitched. Keith leaned up and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Sleep now, Lance."

~

When Lance awoke, Keith made good on his promise. He told Lance to get into the shower, knowing that he had to be feeling gross and achy after the dramatic events of the day. Lance didn't protest like he normally would and while he was showering, the raven packed an overnight bag for him.

To : Brogane #1

Hey. I'm bringing Lance to stay the night. 

To: Brogane #2

That's no problem! Should I invite the others? Is this a sleepover kind of night or just us three?

To: Brogane #1

Everyone. There's something I have to tell the rest of you.

To: Brogane #2

?

To: Brogane #1

It's not pretty. Please make sure everyone's there before we are so you can fill them in and tell them Lance isn't feeling great.

To: Brogane #2

Of course. Bring Lance safe. 

Keith shoved his phone into his pocket before digging out the key to his bike. He heard the shower shut off and waited five minutes before Lance walked out, hair wet and form trembling slightly.

"Hey, you okay?" Keith asked softly, standing and wrapping Lance in his green jacket. Lance nodded, eyes refusing to land anywhere near Keith.

"Yeah. Just been cold lately."

A wave of sadness moved through Keith. He understood that feeling all too well.

"All right. The others are waiting for us. You ready?"

Instead of cracking a joke ("I was born ready, Mullet"), Lance simply nodded and followed Keith out of the front door.

Keith got on the bike and waited for Lance to get on behind him before starting it up. "Are you good?" he asked, turning his head to look over his shoulder at Lance. The Cuban boy simply nodded before burying his face between Keith's shoulder blades and holding onto him tightly. Keith felt his face warming at the affection but chose not to acknowledge it, riding off toward his house. 


	3. .chapter three.

Keith turned his bike off but sat still for a moment, for Lance still hadn't loosened his grip on him. 

"Lance?" Keith's voice was soft as he laid his hand over Lance's that was gripping the shirt over his stomach. "You doing alright?"

The raven heard him take in a shaky breath and felt the shake of his head on his back. 

"I'm really scared, Keith," Lance whispered. "I don't want to lose you guys."

"Wanna let go of me for a minute so I can look at you?"

It took a long pause but finally Lance's grip was loosening. Keith threw his legs over one side so he could stand before moving in front of the brunet.

"You won't lose us, Lance," Keith said softly, reaching up to brush Lance's curling hair out of his face. "They're going to want to help you just as much as I do. We love you, and we want you to stay here with us, okay?"

Lance sniffled, wiping away a few tears before nodding furiously. "C-can I have a hug before we go in? Please?"

"Of course," Keith whispered, guiding Lance's head to his chest before wrapping his arms tightly around him, humming under his breath. "We can stand here as long as you need."

Finally, Lance started to get too cold and he pulled away, wiping his eyes again. "Let's go inside before I break down in your driveway, Mullet."

Keith smiled, straightening up and allowing Lance to do the same. "Just remember that we love you," is what he whispered as he opened his own front door. 

Shiro, Pidge, and Hunk were already sitting on the couch in the living room. All three of their heads snapped up as soon as the two boys walked in, and Lance could only assumed he looked as much a mess as he felt by the look on their faces.

"Hey buddy," Hunk said softly. "Doing all right?"

Lance's eyes watered up and he shook his head. His face fell as he started crying and everyone immediately stood to surround him, frantic questions of "what's wrong" filtering out. 

"I-I tried to ki-ill myself toda-ay," Lance sobbed as they sat him down on the couch, Shiro and Hunk on either side of him while Pidge and Keith were kneeling in front of him. Lance reached out and gripped tightly onto Hunk and Shiro's hands as he continued. "I just ca-an't feel this way anymore, I ne-ed h-help."

There were already tears in everybody's eyes at the news and Pidge leaned forward, latching onto Lance's waist from her spot on the floor. Keith had his hands on Lance's leg and the brunet teared up even more at the physical contact, the physical support that he was receiving. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Shiro asked softly, squeezing the hand in his own. More tears fell out of Lance's eyes.

"I di-id, everyone thought it was a jo-oke."

"When?" Hunk asked, sniffling.

"I said I wanted to d-die when we were stu-udying for anatomy a few m-months ago, but you a-all thought it was a joke. A-And then during fi-finals I s-said I thought I was going to k-kill myself."

"Oh, Lance," Pidge whispered. "I'm so sorry."

A chorus of apologies rose up and Lance shook his head, looking at all of them in the eye one at a time.

"It's not your f-fault," he said, and he'd never sounded so honest. "I don't b-blame you."

"You should!" Hunk sobbed, grabbing Lance into a bear hug. "I'm your best friend! You should've felt like you could come to me! I should have known!"

Lance mustered up a smile through the sobs. "I didn't want to bother y-you, I thought I was a-alright."

"What did you do? Do you need to go to the hospital?" Pidge asked suddenly, leaning up and looking at Lance. 

Lance shook his head. "I tried to s-shoot myself."

That new fact brought about another wave of tears from everybody, even Keith, who was recalling what had happened only hours before.

"What stopped you?" Shiro asked gently.

"I did."

All eyes went to Keith, who hadn't said anything until then.

"I...I remembered what Lance had said about thinking of suicide and today was the first day he'd missed since saying that and I didn't have a good feeling so I left school and broke into his house and he-he was-he was going to-"

Keith let out a sob and Lance untangled himself from Hunk before launching himself at Keith, both boys holding each other tightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I did that to you, Keith," Lance kept whispering, body shaking. Keith shook his head violently, repeating "I'd do it again if I needed to".

Everybody else joined the hug until they were just a pile on the floor, Lance in the middle. Apologies were exchanged until they'd cried themselves out, slumping exhaustedly on the floor. Shiro left the room briefly to get blankets and pillows for everybody, knowing that nobody wanted to go into separate rooms.

Once they'd settled down completely, they began to talk calmly. Lance was laying on his stomach, Hunk and Keith on either side of him. Pidge and Shiro were as close to Lance as they could get, laying across from him. 

"Why do you feel this way?" Pidge asked. "Is it something we've done?"

"It was nothing you've done," Lance said, mimicking what he'd written earlier. "I'm just...I think there's something wrong with me. It's okay to feel sad and stuff but it shouldn't be this often, I shouldn't feel this empty and worthless when I have you guys and an amazing family and I swear, I feel guilty for feeling this way and it just spirals."

"Would you have stopped even if Keith wasn't there to stop you?" Shiro asked quietly. 

Lance drew in a hitching breath and shook his head. "Probably not."

Lance felt a warm pressure on the small of his back and hummed, eyes drooping as Keith began to rub comforting circles.

"I was mad at first, but I'm glad he was there," Lance whispered, drifting closer to sleep as Keith kept going. "I'll spend the rest of my life thanking you, Mullet."

The rest of the group was quiet as Lance's breaths finally evened out and they relaxed, content that he was going nowhere for the moment. But even long after everyone else fell asleep, Keith lie awake, rubbing circles on Lance's back.

~

Shiro was the first one awake the next morning; (aside from Keith, but did it really count if he'd never fallen asleep?).

Shiro sighed when he saw the younger boy still awake, still tracing his fingers in circles on Lance's back with eyes half open. "Keith," he said quietly. Keith hummed in response.

"Have you slept?"

"No," Keith mumbled. "Was nervous to take my eyes off him."

Shiro settled down next to Keith, starting to mimic what Keith was doing for Lance and rubbing his back. "Go to sleep, Keith. I'll be up from now on, I'll keep an eye on him. Alright?"

"Mm," is all Keith breathed out before his eyes closed and his breath evened out. Shiro huffed out a little laugh at his brother before sighing and looking over at Lance.

How were they supposed to help him when they didn't even realize he was hurting?


	4. .chapter four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a filler chapter and is mostly me projecting with my own experiences :-) oh well

The Big Reveal to the McClain family could have gone better. 

Actually, the attributes for _better_ and _worse_ were kind of switched for this situation. Lance figured crying and screaming is the best kind of reaction you could hope for when your mom finds out you're suicidal, while an apathetic attitude would be the worst kind of reaction.  

Lance wasn't there when Keith told his mom. He figured it would be best if he wasn't, would keep up the image of concerned friend and an _I-didn't-just-try-to-kill-myself-yesterday_ Lance. However, he knew when Keith had left his house, because his mom came up to his room. 

"Mijo?" He heard her say softly. 

He looked over his shoulder from where he was lying on his stomach on his bed. "Yeah, ma?" 

He sat up as she sat down beside him. "Are you feeling alright?" 

He frowned, pretending to not know what she was really asking about. "Yeah, I feel fine. Why?" 

"You know you don't have to lie to me, right, mijo?" 

He could already feel the sting of tears. "What do you mean?" 

She gave a small smile as she reached forward and tucked some of his hair behind his ear and rubbed his cheek. "Keith told me that he's worried about you. That you talk about suicide a lot." 

Tears were definitely making their way down now. "Mama, I don't know what to do." 

She pulled him into a hug and let him sob into her shoulder like he did when he was a kid as she let tears of her own out. "What's wrong, Lance? I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong, baby." 

And so it all came pouring out. How he's been struggling for the last few years with something he hadn't been able to put a name to. How some days he was unable to get out of bed because the feelings of sadness and thoughts of worthlessness weighed too much. How he felt so incredibly _guilty_ for feeling this way when he had a supportive family and amazing friends. How he wanted help but had no idea how to seek it.  

It was a long and tearful two hours that he shared with his mom. But by the end of it, he was filled with relief; his mother would be calling the therapist and getting him an appointment as soon as possible. 

~   
Keith paced around his room after he left Lance's. Sure, he told Lance's mom, but was she really as concerned as she needed to be? All she had done was nod with a frown on her face before sending him off. Did she understand the severity of the situation? 

Of course she hadn't. Keith hadn't told her how he'd walked in on Lance, with a gun in hand... 

Before his worrying could go far, his phone pinged with text notification. 

 _From: space cadet_  

 _H_ _ey_  

He sighed in relief, flopping back onto his bed as he began to text back. 

_H_ _ey. How'd it_ _go_ _?_   

_Better than I thought it could. I have an appointment on_ _monday_ _._  

_T_ _omorrow?_   

_T_ _omorrow. I don't know what to say to the psych,_ _tho_  

_H_ _ow you feel??_   

_N_ _o duh, mullet. But I mean..._ _i_ _don't know man, this is dumb_  

_N_ _o_ _it's not. You need this, wanted this, right?_   

_W_ _ell yeah but I mean, what if I get there and everything just disappears? Like I don't remember what to say and there's really nothing to talk about and then I leave because I didn't REALLY have any problems and this was all a fluke_  

_H_ _ey. Calm down. You need this._   

_C_ _ause_ _im_ _crazy?_  

_N_ _o, Lance. Nothing wrong with needing help._   

_H_ _ow about this. Make a list of things to talk about. Write down how you've been feeling, things that have happened. Take it with you tomorrow so you won't forget._   

_T_ _hat’s_ _....a good idea._  

 _T_ _hanks, Keith._  

Keith smiled to himself, setting his phone down. Lance was okay, for the moment, and he would be getting the help he needed come tomorrow. All he, and the others, could really do at this point is be here for the brunet if things ever got too bad between his appointments.  

~ 

Lance left his appointment with puffy eyes and a prescription in hand.  

It didn't take very long for the doctor to diagnose him with depression. It might seem strange, but Lance was so relieved when he heard his therapist tell him that he was depressed. To him, it meant that he wasn't overreacting, he wasn't faking it, this was a _legitimate thing_ that he was struggling with and there was a way to manage, if not cure, it. 

"How did it go, son?" His father questioned as Lance climbed into the car. He turned and gave his father the first genuine smile he'd managed in months, though it was small. 

"It went...good. She said I'm depressed." 

"Oh, hijo," his father murmured. "You're going to be okay?" 

"Yes, I will. Not right now, but soon." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled paper. "Uh, could we stop at the pharmacy? She...prescribed me antidepressants." 

And that led Lance to where he was now; sitting on his bed, bottle in hand, reading the directions. 

 _Take one per day. Possible side_ _effects_ _:_ _changes in behavior, mood swings, suicidal thoughts and tendencies._  

Lance popped one in his mouth and swallowed. 

~ 

"Lance!" Pidge exclaimed, latching herself to him as he sat studying. He shook her off and scowled. 

"Don't fucking touch me." 

Her eyes widened and she pulled back while Lance was scolded by Matt and Shiro and sent disapproving looks by the rest of his friends. He sighed and turned to face her, opening his arms for a hug which she hesitantly accepted. 

"I'm sorry, Pidge Podge. I don't know why I'm so irritated lately." 

"You been taking your pills, Lance?" Hunk asked, twirling his pencil. 

"Yeah. It's been about three weeks." 

"Maybe that's what's making you so irritable," Keith piped up. "One of the side effects was mood swings, right?" 

Lance sighed again and rolled his eyes before glaring at the ceiling. "I thought those goddamn pills were supposed to make me normal." 

"You probably just need a different prescription," Matt suggested. "It's not a bad thing to have to cycle through prescriptions until you find the one that helps you." 

"So you're saying I got to go get new pills?" 

"What we're _saying_ is you should tell your doctor that the pills you're on now are making you aggressive," Shiro said as he stood to head to the kitchen. He ruffled Lance's hair as he passed. "The first option doesn't always work for everyone." 

~ 

Lance got a new prescription a week later. 

~ 

"Hello?" 

"Shiro?" 

Lance's voice was tentative and quiet over the phone. Shiro glanced at the clock and saw that it was two in the morning.  

"Yeah, Lance?" 

"I don't think these pills are good for me." 

Shiro sat up, suppressing a yawn. "Yeah? Why's that?" 

"They make me sad." 

Lance had been on his new prescription for about a month and everyone had noticed that Lance was more withdrawn and silently promised to keep a closer eye on him.  

"Lance," Shiro said softly. "You should wake your mom up." 

"I can't." 

The younger boy's voice was watery and Shiro could tell that he was holding back tears. 

"Why not?" 

"I'm already such a disappointment. Who needs pills to be happy? I'm so weak, and there's no point in me being alive." 

"Lance," Shiro murmured. "I'm going to wake up Keith and have him come pick you up, okay? Wake your mom up and tell her, alright?" 

"Shiro," Lance sobbed quietly. "Why do I feel like this?" 

"Your medication is making you feel bad, that's all this is," Shiro answered gently. "Keith is on his way, alright? Just hang in there, buddy. We'll get you on the right ones." 

~ 

"Uh, has anyone noticed that Lance is acting a little weird lately?" Hunk asked, wringing his hands. 

"Yeah. He's a little...intense," Matt noted. "In the way that he isn't saying much or showing much emotion." 

"Should I...ask him what's wrong, or should I wait for him to come to me?"  

"I think you should ask him, Hunk," Keith answered, looking over at him. "It's been like a month since he's been on this medication, but he's only been acting like this for the last week or so. It could be that it's not the medication at all." 

When Hunk asked Lance later, Lance told him that the pills made him numb. 

~ 

"How are you feeling after being on these pills for a few weeks?" Keith asked, glancing over at Lance as they walked home.  

Lance let out a puff of air and smiled to himself before looking over at Keith, sparkle in his eye.  

"I feel really, really good, Keith."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully the next chapter(s?) will pick up a bit. there will also be more klance action and not just langst :-)


	5. .chapter five.

Things were good.  

It'd been months since Lance had started on his new medication. Sure, there were still days where he felt down for seemingly no reason, but even those days were better. His down days didn't make him feel like nothing was worth living for. He could still remember and feel that he was loved on those days. 

Things were going good. He was happy for himself, and everybody else seemed happy for him. Everybody except.. 

"Hey, Keith!" 

Said boy turned around and gave Lance a small smile that easily melted into a grimace as he gave Lance a chance to catch up to him. 

"Hey...Lance." 

Lance noticed the hesitation and change in his demeanor, but decided not to comment. Instead, he excitedly bounced onto the tips of his toes. 

"Wanna come over after school? I finally got that new video game we were talking about last month!" 

Keith raised his hand and played with the hair at the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. "Ah, no. I have to go home and do homework." 

Lance visibly deflated. "Oh. Next time?' 

"Sure." 

Before Lance could strike up a conversation, Keith hightailed it out of there. Lance deflated even more. 

What was up with Keith, anyway? 

~ 

That's how the following weeks ended up being like. Lance would catch up to Keith, first enthusiastically then desperately trying to make plans, with Keith always making up an excuse and running away. 

" _I have a doctor's appointment."_  

 _"I have to babysit for my neighbor."_  

 _"I have a job interview."_  

 _"I have a college interview."_  

 _"I feel really sick, I should go home and sleep."_  

 _"Sorry Lance, not feeling up to it today."_  

"I don't know what his problem is, buddy," Hunk had said after Lance whined to him that Keith was ignoring him. 

"Do you...Do you think he doesn't want to be my friend anymore?" Lance asked softly. He said is so quietly and so sadly that Hunk instantly gathered his best friend into a hug. 

"Aw Lance...if he doesn't want to be your friend anymore, it's his loss! And he's being really rude about it! Do you want me to beat him up?" 

Lance huffed out a laugh as he leaned into Hunk's comfortable embrace. Hunk wouldn't hurt a fly, much less Keith because he was deciding to be moody. 

"Nah, man. It's alright." 

~ 

"Lance," Shiro said in a surprised tone, after picking up the phone. "It's been awhile since you've called this late. Is there something wrong?" 

"Yeah," Lance grumbled. "Your jerk of a little brother is what's wrong." 

He heard Shiro's long suffering sigh, but also heard the relief hidden within it. "What's wrong with you two now?" 

"I don't know! You should ask Keith, since he's the one acting like he's got a stick up his a-" 

" _Okay,_ why don't you tell me what's wrong?" 

And so Lance began his tale of abandonment once more. He tried to seem joking about it, but Shiro could hear the genuine hurt buried beneath his tone and light words. 

"And I don't know what I did wrong," Lance whined, flopping back onto his bed. "He just won't talk to me." 

Shiro hummed, and Lance could hear shifting sheets. "Have you called him? Texted him? ...Cornered him?" 

"I've tried," Lance sighed, looking up at his ceiling. "He escapes every time." 

"Do you want to corner him now?" 

"Shiro, it's like, one in the morning. And I have no ride." 

"I'll come get you," Shiro insisted. "I'll tell him that I'm running to the store or something, and then I'll give you two some time to sort this out. You two are such good friends, it shouldn't end because Keith is emotionally incompetent." 

Lance considered this. Keith and he hadn't really started out on the right track. They hadn't _hated_ each other, but they definitely hadn't liked each other at first. They were always trying to one-up each other...after hanging out a few times (it wasn't by choice, more like mutual friends), they became good friends. Sure, they were still competitive, and they still liked to rile each other up, but they were friends. 

"...Yeah. Come get me." 

~ 

Lance didn't bother knocking. 

Keith jumped and tensed defensively when his door shot open, only to relax a little and tilt his head confusedly. 

"Lance?" 

"Why are you avoiding me?" 

"I'm not," Keith answered roughly, crossing his arms. 

"Then why won't you look me in the eye, Keith?" 

The sheer hurt in Lance's voice caused him to meet his eyes, stomach flipping uncomfortably with guilt and something else.  

"I don't know what I did," Lance said quietly. "Tell me what I did." 

Keith sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You didn't do anything, Lance. This is on me." 

Keith saw the spark of anger his words caused starting to build. 

"Did you really just use some _it's not you it's me_ cliché bullshit on me?" 

"It's true!" Keith insisted. "You haven't done anything wrong, Lance. You're my best friend, I wouldn't lie to you. I never have before." 

"Yeah, you won't lie to me, but you also won't talk to me! Seems like as soon as I got better you wanted nothing to do with me! Is that it? Now that I'm not a basket case, there's no reason for you to stick around? You've done your job as the knight in shining armor and fixed the broken toy?" 

Keith couldn't take standing there and having these so unbelievably false accusations thrown at him. He balled up his fists at his sides as Lance kept going.  

"Is that what it was? You just felt obligated to be my friend just because I tried to kill myse-mmph!" 

Lance's eyes widened as his back hit Keith's door and Keith shut him up with a hard kiss. He barely had time to react before Keith pulled back, hands leaving Lance's hips and putting distance between them like it hurt to be so close to him. 

The Cuban watched Keith's hands shake with adrenaline and nerves, face turning red. 

"That's why I stayed away from you," Keith said quietly. 

They regarded each other for a moment before Lance took a step forward, grabbing Keith's face and connecting their lips again. 

Keith responded immediately, hands gripping Lance's slim waist as they kissed frantically. Keith dominated the kiss easily, Lance giving up the little control he had happily. They shrugged off their jackets without breaking apart from each other, the air in the room growing heated quickly. 

Lance stepped forward until Keith stepped back, going until they reached Keith's bed and falling back on it. Lance straddled Keith, rolling his hips and feeling the semi Keith was sporting. 

Keith growled and grabbed onto Lance as he rolled until the brunet was beneath him. He kissed the same way he wrestled when they roughhoused, hard and dirty. Lance made a small noise and reached up, tangling his hands in Keith's hair and tilting his head to change the angle. Keith's hands were planted on the bed next to Lance's hips, and he dropped onto his forearm so he could use his other hand to squeeze Lance's thigh and tug until it was pressed tightly to Keith's hip. 

Lance kept his leg there as Keith's hand traveled back up and slipped onto his shirt, fingers digging into the skin of Lance's back. Keith broke the kiss, allowing Lance to breathe as he kissed down Lance's throat before sucking on a spot a little below his jaw. 

Lance let out a soft moan as he tilted his head to help and give Keith more space. Keith hummed in appreciation and sucked a little harder, biting down lightly before pressing a gentle kiss to the spot.  

Keith gentled in a way Lance never imagined he could, slowing the ferocity of his kisses as he softly kissed back up to Lance's lips. Instead of gripping slim hips, he gave a little squeeze before letting go and placing his hands on his sheets, giving Lance a chaste kiss before pulling back. Lance's heart stuttered at the way Keith was looking at him. 

Like something delicate. Something to be treasured. 

"Keith?" 

Keith let out a little hum, face flushed prettily. 

"...Sorry about that." 

"What? No," Lance answered. He reached up and placed his hands on either side of Keith's face. "No apologies. None at all. Except for ignoring me over something as small as this." 

Keith's eyebrows shot up and he looked mildly offended. " _Small?_ I thought you would hate me if I told you!" 

"So you thought I'd be okay if you just ignored me?" 

Keith blushed a little darker and lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "I dunno, never said I made good decisions." 

"That's what you have me for!" Lance said cheerfully, draping his arms around Keith's shoulders and playing with his hair. Violet eyes met blue. 

"Yeah? I have you?" 

Lance leaned up and pressed a sweet kiss to Keith's lips before giving him a slow smile.

"Yeah. You do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay :-( had a friend kill herself and my uncle got killed three weeks ago..  
> it has been a Year already, my guy  
> but I kind of just really wanted to get this done, sorry if it feels rushed!


End file.
